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starring Jon Lovitz |
The Critic Syndication Cuts Guide Created By: Matt Garvey Introduction When most shows are sold for reruns, time or content constraints force episodes to be trimmed somehow. This document documents the cuts made when Comedy Central decided to show reruns of The Critic. (Actually, I am not sure who was responsible for the cuts, or if any other networks in other countries broadcast The Critic - and if so, if they have the same cuts. Any information on that is welcome.) In general, the only edits made were cutting out full scenes. There is no time compression, and so for simplicity I just list the cuts, where they occur, and how long they are. (Occasionally, the edited versions have extra or different commercial breaks, but these are not listed since frankly, my dear, I don't give a crap.) All the substantial cuts are from the first season; I would guess that ABC allowed a longer running time than Fox did, so that season two was already below Comedy Central's time limit (about 22.5 minutes). The other cuts are related to "Fear of a Black Screen": Any time audio continues after the screen fades before a break, it is excised. I have rounded all the times to half-seconds, again for simplicity. The total time cut based on these numbers is 5:27.5, 5:21 of which is from season one. Each episode in season one was trimmed, except for 107. The only season two episodes with cuts are 203, 206, and 209. The episodes are listed in production order; it's the way they're presented on the DVDs, as well as by Comedy Central, so that's fine with me. (Speaking of the DVDs, this is as good a place as any to mention the only change of which I am aware: the Columbia Tristar logo at the end was replaced with a Sony one, but for some stupid reason the Sony logo is not in each episode's title, so there's a very long pause before it comes on. It's very annoying.) Anyway, enjoy the guide. See what you've been missing or have forgotten! If neither of those apply to you, well, you're a better Critic fan than I. == 101: Pilot ============================================================== 30.5 seconds cut Jay: Can we get a shot of that? % Jay and Valerie pull up to a yet-unknown restaurant in his % convertible, which has "KING DORK" spray painted on the side. The % valet comes over. % % Valet: Hey mister, why does your car say "King Dork"? 14.5 % Jay: Uh...I bought it from King Dorkenheiser of Finland. % Valet: I thought Finland was a constitutional democracy! % Jay: Just park the car! % % Jay and Valerie walk into the restaurant as the familiar music starts. % The camera pans up to the "L'ane Riche" sign, which translates itself. ! So we miss part of the King Dork running joke...also, the same valet ! turns up in "Uneasy Rider," so remember: you saw it here first. ~~ Act 2 starts with an external shot of Jay's building and some music. % Inside, Jay is propped up by his elbow in bed, looking at Valerie and % moving around. Over a shot of Valerie sleeping: % % Jay's brain: She looks good from every angle! % % Her eyes open. From her point of view, Jay's face looks very large and 16.0 % distorted. % % Jay: Ehh? % Valerie: [screams] % Jay: Sorry, I'll just go to the bathroom and let you make a % graceful escape. % Valerie: No, no! I really enjoyed last night. ! The incidental music overlaps the rest of the scene in syndication. ! Note also, this cut really changes the meaning of Val's line. == 102: Miserable =========================================================== 9 seconds cut During "Honey, I Laminated the Kids," Jay sees the projectionist. He knocks on the door and is pulled inside. The door shuts. % Jay: I wanted to look my best for you, so this morning, I put on my 7.5 % tiger briefs and did a situp! % % They kiss. Establishing shot of studios where Jeremy is filming. ~~ Jay's captor injects him for the first time. Jay: We'll be right... [screen goes black] 1.5 % back... End of act. ! For the "We'll be right... back" delay you can sometimes hear part of "back" on Comedy Central. == 103: Marty's First Date ====================================================== 71 seconds cut P.A.: Whatever she [Sally Struthers] can't eat is yours. % Jay and Marty get out of the cab, and Jay recognizes someone: Woody % Allen, along with Soon Yi. % % Jay: Hey! Well, if it isn't my favorite neurotic Jewish New York % filmmaker. % Woody: Oh, hi, Jay. 19.5 % Jay: You're speaking at Career Day? % Woody: [coffee spit take] Career Day? I thought this was the prom! % % Woody runs off and does some sort of dance while upbeat music plays. % He then falls down an open manhole and yelps. % % Jay: Glad he's getting back to physical schtick! Inside... Man: Hi there. I'm Omar's daddy, and I am a...president for life! ~~ Everyone runs away after the stained glass window is broken. % Establishing shot of Jay's building. Inside, he combs Marty's hair % with a pick that reads "BLACKPOWER" and has an upthrust fist on the % handle. % % Jay: Now son, don't worry about this date. If you get in trouble, % I'll feed you lines. 21.5 % Marty: You know what to say to a girl? % Jay: I certainly _do_! % % There's a knock at the door, and Jay answers it. A woman in a robe is % standing in the hall. % % Woman: My shower is broken. May I use yours? % Jay: Wa...wa...water! [to camera] Chicks _love_ it when you babble! Later, Jay continues to help Marty prepare for his date. Jay: Now son, one last thing I want to tell you about women: they're different from us. They're soft and curvy and...well, maybe they're not _that_ different. ~~ Marty smiles awkwardly at Jay's "crap" line. At L'ane Riche, a car drives by. % Inside, Vlada is writing something. % % Jay: Hello, Vlada! [snaps fingers from just o.s.] My usual table? % Vlada: Certainly, Mr. Sherman! But first, I must remove these street % urkins [sic] that followed you in. % [to Marty and Carmen] Go away! Shoo! [mutters in Russian] 30.0 % Jay: No, no. They're with me. % Vlada: I see! You realize we never have children in this restaurant % before! Except, of course, in the kitchen... % % In the kitchen, a girl scrubs a table and a boy stirs a cauldron. The % camera pans to show another girl at the cauldron, a girl cutting food, % and two children walking around a large wheel connected to a grinder % making angel hair pasta. They're all moaning. At Jay's table, Jeremy walks over. Jeremy: Hello Jay, g'day Marty! == 104: Dial "M" for Mother ===================================================== 15.5 seconds cut Jay screams as the bear attacks him: low pitch, high pitch, low pitch, high pitch. He starts another high-pitched scream, and the scene fades 1.5 % as he finishes that last scream. End of act. ~~ Duke: Hey man, that's witty! Send it to Reader's Digest. Assistant: Yes, sir. Jay and Margo walk into L'ane Riche. % They approach Vlada, who looks up in fear, but then recognizes Jay. % % Vlada: Ah, Mr. Sherman, and your ripening sister. Jay, I have yust 14.0 % the tab-leh for you. % % Vlada speaks to the elderly waiter in a foreign language. It is % subtitled "PUT THE MOTHER-HATER BETWEEN % NIXON AND STEINBRENNER". The waiter taps his nose. Jay walks by various tables to his seat. ! This explains why Nixon was nearby to insult Jay. ~~ ! Later, there is an extra commercial between Jay falling down and ! waking up in the hospital. Originally it irised in/out, but here it ! fades, so a little footage might be lost. == 105: A Little Deb Will Do Ya =================================================== 40 seconds cut Franklin: Oh, I could have had rubber bands! % In Jay's apartment, he talks to Margo on the phone. % % Jay: A debutante ball? Uh, I don't know, let me check my % calendar. Oh, Ethel! What's on the docket for next Friday % night? % "Ethel": That's the night you promised to take me to the Rainbow % Room, where we'll dance to the sounds of Skip Martin...and % his orchestra! % % Margo looks baffled. % % Jay: You heard the lady, Margo. [thoughtfully] Skip Martin? 40.0 % "Ethel": _Yes_, Skip Martin! % Margo: Please, Jay? I can't get through this without you! % Jay: Well, all right. We'll have fun! % % Margo hangs up. As music plays, Jay picks up a photo from his table. % In it, people are posed with a placard saying "GRAND BALL 1973." Pan % to show a young Jay standing alone, sadly, in a tux. % % "Ethel": You were quite a looker, Mr. S! % Jay: Thank you, Ethel. You know, that analyst said I should stop % doing this. % "Ethel": He's a quack! % Jay: Right as always, Ethel! A maid comes into the bathroom where Margo is bathing. ! Note that this is the first time Ethel appears. == 106: Eyes on the Prize ====================================================== 22 seconds cut Announcer: Viewer disclaimer: for purposes of infotainment, Rose Kennedy and the Queen Mother will be played by the Barbie twins. % In another jab at Jeremy's age, Bob Hope tells jokes on a beach. % % Bob Hope: Hey, I don't wanna say Jeremy Hawke is old, but when he % went to the DMV to get his driver's license, there was no 16.0 % line. [growls] Hey, that's old, man. Whoa! % % A wave crashes over him and carries him off screen. He floats by... % % Bob Hope: I haven't seen a wave this big since Delta Burke did a % belly flop into Shelley Winters' jacuzzi. Jeremy: Listen, Jay, I'm gonna give you something that's gonna change your life. ~~ Orson: Wait, that's terrible. I quit! Just a handful for the road... Mmm, mmm, mmm... 6.0 % [screen fades] Oh, what luck! There's a French % _fry_ stuck in my beard! Mmm, mmm, mmm... oh yeah. End of act. ! Originally, the screen faded during "Oh, what luck," but in the cut ! version it fades during the "mmm"s. And fear not: the scene reappears ! in the last episode, with a visibly frozen frame instead of a fade. == 107: Every Doris Has Her Day ================================================= No cuts == 108: Marathon Mensch ====================================================== 12.5 seconds cut Doris: I read it in Smoker's Digest. % Establishing shot of L'ane Riche, with the usual music. Inside... % 12.5 % Jay: Hello, Vlada! [snaps fingers] Tonight, I'm on a diet. % Vlada: [turns away, picks up phone] Tell Vlada Jr. no Harvard. % Jay: In fact, I may just have coffee. % Vlada: [back to phone, uncovers mouthpiece] Pull the plug on Mama! Establishing shot of the bridge and helicopters. == 109: L.A. Jay ============================================================ 33 seconds cut Jeremy: I'm thinking of New York, Chicago, Babylonia, and Mars. % Wipe right to El Toupee, a shop. The opening notes of "Pretty Woman" % play. Inside, Jay is sitting in a chair, and Jeremy and El Toupee (who % wears a cowboy outfit) are standing next to him. % % Jeremy: El _Tou_pee, I want you to make my friend look hip. % Toupee: Oh ho, you have challenged El Toupee! I...accccept! % % El Toupee puts his hat on Jay, revealing that he himself is bald on % top. He starts to walk away. % % Toupee: My work is done! % % Zoom out to show that they're on a little balcony overlooking the rest % of the shop. He grabs a rope, says "Adios!" and swings toward the 33.0 % camera on it. % % With more "Pretty Woman" playing, wipe diagonally from top left to % the store "SHORT FAT UGLY and SASSY" where three women dress Jay in % front of a dressing room. First they dress him as a Mexican singer % with a guitar and sombrero. Jeremy shakes his head in disapproval. % Next is a giant striped hat, oversized coat, peace emblem, and so % forth. Jeremy waves his hand "no." Finally, the women dress Jay as a % Bob's Big Boy with a plate of hamburgers. (Music fades.) % % Woman: Six of these plastic burgers are missing! % % Jay turns toward the camera and makes a disgusted groan/belch. % % Wipe left to the airport, where the doors open to let Marty out. Marty steps outside the airport. ! This scene makes the parallel shopping trip with Alice in "Sherman, ! Woman and Child" funnier. It's too bad they cut it. ~~ ! A small amount of footage is lost when the show returns from ! commercials after the Rod Steiger appearance. Originally it irised out ! but in the cut version it fades in to the full-screen image. == 110: Dr. Jay ============================================================= 37 seconds cut Jay: Oh, oh! Can the sandwich be olive loaf? Doctor: I suppose so. Jay: Yes! End of act. % Music plays over an external shot of Duke's and Jay's plane home. % % Duke: [v.o.] Four years to live. [shot of him and Jay] I can't % believe it. I still can't believe it. % Assistant: Good news, sir. They've decided to name your fatal illness % Duke Phillips' Disease. % Duke: I already have a disease named after me! My real name is % Duke Scabies. I'm a descendant of Colonel Beauregard % Scabies. % % Banjo music plays as his image fades to a similar-looking man in a 37.0 % Southern uniform, with long blond hair, a small beard, and a long % moustache. In a wider shot, soldiers writhe on the ground. Colonel % Scabies sounds like Duke as he speaks: % % Colonel: Sorry, boys, I didn't know it was contagious. % % They groan. In a scene reminiscent of "Gone with the Wind," the camera % zooms out to show many soldiers on the ground near a train track and % a tattered Confederate flag waving in the wind, as the first few notes % of "Taps" play. % % Man: At least we didn't serve under Colonel Crabs! Establishing shot of Phillips building, before the Wall Street news. == 111: A Day at the Races and a Night at the Opera ===================================== 12 seconds cut Jay: No, you're thinking of Jon Lovitz. And I agree, with his Sephardic good looks, he takes the cake! [growls] % At Ardith's place, Marty plays his electric guitar (which is actually % hooked up to the amp) badly, with Jay and Ardith watching. From % upstairs: % 12.0 % Man: Knock off that racket or I'll call the cops! % Jay: His teacher says he's supposed to practice! % Man: I _am_ his teacher! % % Jay and Ardith look at each other. Peters: Millions of unamused viewers are demanding that Duke Phillips pay them one hundred dollars, in what has become known as the Jayola scandal. == 112: Uneasy Rider ========================================================= 24.5 seconds cut Jay: Well, the lumberjacks liked me. We ate like kings that night! Margo gives Jay a funny look. He returns one. % Later, in his convertible, Jay drives down the road. % % Jay: Maybe deep down I...just wanna be loved. And everyone _loves_ % truckers. % % In an aerial shot, a truck speeds alongside Jay, then cuts in front of % him and brakes. Jay almost hits him, and honks. % 24.5 % Jay: Moron! % % The truck driver gets a smile and pulls a lever that dumps his payload % of fresh fruit onto and into Jay's car. Jay pops out with a bunch of % fruit on his head, in the manner of Carmen Miranda. Music plays and: % % Jay: I-I-I-I-I-I love you veeeeery much! I-I-I-I-I-I think you're % graaaaaand! [holds up some bananas] Viva la revolucion! % % He twirls the bananas and tosses them away as the music finishes. At Truck U Trucking School: Man: So you wanna be a trucker, huh? ! Careful viewers will recognize part of this scene from the intro to ! Jay's special in "I Can't Believe It's a Clip Show." == 113: A Pig-Boy and His Dog =================================================== 14 seconds cut Jay: Here's one New Yorker who hasn't grown cold and heartless! Someone throws a Bloat bottle at him, he wobbles like a bowling pin, and he falls down. % In a closer shot, the dog goes over to Jay and % licks his head. The beer bottle rolls toward his hand, and Jay picks % it up. He stands up and then... % 14.0 % Jay: Ha! The joke's on you, New York! [holds it out] I'm gonna get % five cents for this bottle! % % A gun fires and the bullet shatters the bottle. % % Jay: Well, nice shot, you stupid... [in recognition] Chief of Police! At home, Jay places the dog in a little bed. == 201: Sherman, Woman and Child =============================================== No cuts == 202: Sherman of Arabia ===================================================== No cuts == 203: A Song for Margo ====================================================== 3 seconds cut After Margo runs off, Johnny is mad at himself. Electric guitar music plays to reflect the situation: Two short descending notes before the screen goes to black, 3.0 % then a third short note and a long one. End of act. == 204: From Chunk to Hunk ==================================================== No cuts == 205: Lady Hawke ========================================================= No cuts == 206: Frankie and Ellie Get Lost ================================================= 2 seconds cut Man: Run for your life! Roseanne's on the loose! A giant Roseanne appears from behind the trees and steps out, screaming. Fade to black; 2.0 % two more footsteps and screaming are heard. End of act. == 207: Siskel & Ebert & Jay & Alice =============================================== No cuts == 208: All the Duke's Men ===================================================== No cuts == 209: Dukerella =========================================================== 1.5 seconds cut The bears attack Jay through the door. The screen fades to black, 1.5 % but the growling continues for a little. End of act. == 210: I Can't Believe It's a Clip Show ============================================= No cuts ! Duke's laugh after "I never pay for nothin'!" continues a little after ! the image fades, but it's less than a second so hardly worth ! mentioning. A Toupee Production ™ |
